What If the Part of You You’re Trying to Change Is Actually Trying to Protect You?
Have you ever found yourself thinking:
Why do I react like this?
Why can't I stop overthinking?
Why do I get anxious when I know there is nothing to worry about?
Why can't I just let this go?
So often, we look at the parts of ourselves we struggle with and immediately decide that something needs fixing.
But what if we asked a different question?
What if the part of you you're trying so hard to change was once trying to protect you?
Your nervous system remembers
Our reactions don't appear from nowhere.
Throughout our lives, our nervous system is constantly learning from our experiences.
When something feels threatening, overwhelming or unsafe, the nervous system responds in ways designed to protect us.
Sometimes that protection is obvious.
At other times, it can look like anxiety, overthinking, perfectionism, people-pleasing, shutting down, avoiding situations or feeling the need to remain constantly in control.
These responses may have made perfect sense at another point in your life.
The difficulty comes when the danger has passed, but your nervous system hasn't yet received the message.
From self-judgement to curiosity
Imagine the difference between saying:
"What's wrong with me?"
and asking:
"I wonder what my nervous system is trying to protect me from?"
The first question carries judgement.
The second brings curiosity.
And curiosity can create the space for something different to happen.
When we begin to understand where our reactions come from, we can stop fighting ourselves quite so much.
That doesn't mean accepting that things can never change.
Quite the opposite.
Understanding can be the beginning of change.
You don't have to think your way out of everything
One of the things I have seen repeatedly in more than twenty years of working therapeutically with people is that insight alone isn't always enough.
You can understand perfectly well why you react in a particular way and still find yourself having exactly the same reaction.
That's because the nervous system doesn't operate through logic alone.
The body can respond before the thinking part of the brain has even had time to catch up.
This is why nervous system regulation has become such an important part of my work.
Rather than battling the reaction, we can begin by helping the system recognise that it is safe now.
Perhaps healing isn't about becoming someone else
We hear so much about self-improvement.
Become more confident.
Become calmer.
Become more successful.
Become a better version of yourself.
But I've come to see healing rather differently.
Perhaps becoming your best self isn't really about becoming somebody new.
Perhaps it's about gently understanding and releasing the patterns that have been covering up who you already are.
It's learning to meet yourself with curiosity rather than criticism.
To understand why certain things affect you.
To recognise the ways your mind and body have tried to keep you safe.
And gradually, as those old protective responses are no longer needed, to discover what becomes possible.
More calm.
More choice.
More clarity.
More of you.
Becoming Your Best Self
Becoming Your Best Self: A Journey of Hope, Healing and Lasting Change grew from more than twenty years of working therapeutically with people and seeing how often we judge ourselves for responses that once developed as ways of coping or protecting ourselves.
I wrote it for anyone who has ever wondered why they keep repeating patterns they consciously want to change, or who has spent years believing they simply need to try harder, think differently or somehow "fix" themselves.
The book explores our emotional patterns, past experiences and nervous system responses, alongside practical exercises and reflections to help you begin understanding yourself in a different way.
Because sometimes the question isn't:
"How do I become a better version of myself?"
Sometimes it is:
"What might change if I finally understood the version of me that learned to survive?"
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Perhaps becoming your best self isn't about becoming someone new.
Perhaps it's about finally understanding the person who has been there all along. 💚
Sandra Nathan
Integrative Counsellor | Transformational Coach | Nervous System Regulation Specialist